And So Life Continues!

Sooo, I thought that today I might just go out on a limb and update this thing after over 3 months of nothingness. Don't you love me? Now that I'm here, though, I am rather at a loss as where to begin. It would be rather impossible to go into a full account of my life here since Novemberrrr 4th, I think it was; in fact, even doing the highlights seems like an overwhelming undertaking, so I guess I will take more a big picture approach. Oh, speaking of pictures, this picture of all the exchange students at Carnaval - the ones of us who wree in the parade are all sostumes out, as you can see. I will post more pics on my flickr here in a bit.

Here's the big picture: These last few months have turned my exchange into a year of reality that was anything but predictable. I have seen things that have made me feel an endless range of rollercoaster-emotion, and felt things that have made me hardly able to see anything the same way twice. Some days I am totally attuned (is that a word - my vocab. is definitely suffering) to the world around me and my connection to it - or lack thereof, and some days I feel like I am just floating along - numb and almost motionless. Overall I feel happy, but it's a happiness that doesn't always come easily. There are some days, especially after returning from the exchange student trips, when it's hard to care that I am so blessed to have this opportunity. Right now what I want, more than anything, is a little responsibility. I have voiced many times that I (and the others) want more out of this exchange than sitting in the house watching American television, going to school that doesn't count, going out to bars and parties, going to the mall, living in a beautiful house w/ 2 maids and a driver (my new house - the best so far for other reasons) and taking occasional trips.

I really want to have some kind of volunteer work, something that will give me integrity, and make me feel a little more like myself again. For instance, my friend Johanna's twin sister is in Ecuador, and they are required to do something like that, so she has been working as a public chaldren's hospital there. That's what I call being an exchange student - worrying about a little more than losing your beach tan and what party to go to. I am becoming rather Brazilian, and, as my exchange student friends and I have been discovering, that's not necessarily a good thing...

More than ever I have a hard time remembering who I was before I left, and I am scared that the changes will not be as positive as expected. I know that so many people had so many great expectations, including myself, and I know that I'm not living it up like I should/could/would like to be. Wow, I'm sorry to be so negative. That whole thing made me sound like I'm having a rather miserable time, which I'm not at all, I just feel that the time I am having isn't the sort of time that really matters. Each day doesn't seem like too much to put off on working on making myself into what I would like to be, but, after 6 months here, I think maybe it's time to get it in gear. I just don't really know where to start.

Anyway...

After the big trip I took in November to the Amazon and various cities in Northeastern Brazil I started to do a blog post, so I figured I'd go ahead and put some of the interesting bits in this one:

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First I would like to say that this trip was incredible and unique experience for me, not really because of the places we went and the things we saw, but the relationships we developed with one another over the course of the month we had to eat (sometimes in awesome expensive restuarants with unlimited sushi and filé mignon, sometimes in places where the meat had hair - I'm not even kidding), sleep (sometimes in rather cramped, crappy little hotel rooms, sometimes in more luxurious ones, sometimes outside in hammocks), ride in the bus (for as much as 18hrs at a time), fly, go out, stay in, resolve problems, walk the streets, shop (shopping, shopping, and more shopping), see incredible sights, feel disappointed, take ridiculous pictures, hike for hours, talk, cry, laugh, and laugh, and laugh, and laugh together. It was really indescribable, and I have not talked to anyone since that really feels the same about being here after the trip. We will never forget one another, even if some of us didn't really get to know one another, and I have no doubt that there are a handful who will I will never live without. I like the idea of having a couch to sleep on in every continent save Africa and Antartica.

Since the first set of goodbyes I have felt emptier. I have felt more alone then ever. After that month of being able to just let go and be 100% myself with a group of some of the coolest people from all over the world (literally), Brazil, and everywhere else, seems so superficial and fake. I feel like the minute I got home I had to put my cute American exchange student suit back on and pretend to care. Don't worry, I am still enjoying the exchange, as I will comtinue to do, and I think the fact that it's almost Christmas, etc., doesn't help. December is supposed to be the hardest month for a variety of reasons; mine just happens to hit a little harder.

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December did end up being the hardest month, without question. Soon after coming home I went on vacation with my host family to some of the more southern areas of the country. I went to one city, called Curitiba, which I absolutely fell in love with, and then to visit some family over X-mas in a different town, the beach for about a week over New Years.

The trip was good overall, and I ended up feeling a good bit closer to my first host family afterward; however, nothing can really replace being home for X-mas, and my friends are the closest thing I have to real family here. Christmas in Brazil is rather different from Christmas at home, actually. It's not really as big of a deal. When I asked my brazilian friends what they had done for x-mas, I was surprised to find that most of them had gone out to a party with their friends rather than stayed with their family. Family tends to be closer here, so that makes it even more odd. Now that I think about it, though, maybe the reason they don't make it as big of a deal to see everyone as we do is because they are used to seeing family on a regular basis anyway. Mine was comprised of a gift exchange with a mass of extended family on my father's side (all very kind and welcoming - I liked them a lot) and a delicious seafood meal cooked by a gourmet chef in the family. We literally had a salad with tiny squids on it - legs and all. It was better that way, though, because the fact that it felt more like just another party than actual x-mas made it a lot easier not to miss home.

The beach we went to was called Bombas, and it was really beautiful. The water was clean, clear, and a perfect temperature, it was in a little town where everything was w/in walking distance, and we had nice weather, overall. As I stated over and over on the Northeast trip (which was comprised of far too many visits to the beach, in my opinion) to the amusement of my friends, I really don't like the beach much - I have a very keen hatred of sand - and I would definitely never chose it as my favored vacation spot, but I actually had a very lovely time in Bombas.

For New Years we ate at a very yummy seafood restaurant with my host dad's sister and borther-in-law, who had some as well (they are my favorite in-laws, for sure), his parents (who stayed in the apartment w/ us), and my family. Then for midnight we went down to the beach and watched people set off fireworks over the ocean and drank champagne and sang (well, they sang - I didn't know the song). Two of the luck traditions are eating 7 grapes and keeping a seed from each in your wallet all year and jmping over 7 waves. I have my grape seeds, but we forgot to jump the waves. It was a nice trip, but I missed my friends a lot, and I was glad to be home. I was in low spot, for sure, but when I got back I found out that we were all in low spots, so I guess it's normal.

In the beginning of Jan. we went to a party in another city, which is slightly larger than mine, where there are a lot of exchange students. It was the going away party for the Australians, who come and go in Jan. because of their school schedule, and that was a blast, although it was hard to see them go. The rest of Jan. was full of parties and hanging out because it was the last month of summer vacation, and was the lead-up to Carnaval week. It was fun. Now that we have been here for awhile we have learned what the good places are and how to find a party. Don't let that scare you - I am still being responsible and not making stupid decisions. Tania (Mex.), Annia (Mex.), Johanna (Germany), and I - the Prudente Girls, haha - are a lot more conservative with things like that than almost any of the other exchange students, which is nice. I am really happy that we all got places together - truly a match made in heaven, haha. They, along with my other 2 American pals Max (Salt Lake City) and Lauren (central California), were, are, and will continue to be, the most important thing I will take away from this year.

Oh, random note for those of you who don't know, I also got my nose pierced in January, haha.

At the beginning of February was Carnaval, which most of you are probably familiar with. Before I came here Carnaval was about the only thing I knew about Brazil, apart from the fact that they do ridiculous bikini waxes (don't ask, hahaha) and they spoke Portuguese. We had an exchange student trip to Rio for Carnaval which was, of course, awesome. Carnaval itself was different than I expected. I was expecting a big party, but it was really just a big show. You sit in stand along this paved walkway about the width of the interstate, and watch huge groups of people in crazy costumes and insanely elaborate floats walk/dance down from about 10:30PM to 4:30AM. There are 12 big samba schools in Rio, which make the costumes and floats and sell them to people to be in the parade, and they all have about an hour to display their stuff, so it's split into two nights. It doesn't get boring, though, there is plenty to look at, and you can always go eat pizza to get a break for the noise. You really have to go to understand what I mean by crazy costumes/floats. When I saw the costume I would be wearing I was disappointed, but they were actually really good ones. Everyone but the special samba girls wears these ridiculously huge, ordaned costumes with feathers, sparklies (I would have like more sparklies), bright colors, etc, and even if they are goofy up close they all look good from far away. Of course some of the people have really amazing costumes (huge feather angel wings and armour, sparkley fireman, haha, edward scissor hands, big dresses, etc), and the richer samba schools have more impressvie stuff, but everyone looked good. The floats were crazy stuff like people doing gymnastics and bounsing on trampolines, a ski slope w/ ppl skiing down it, giant moving animals (those were common), people in big rings you attatch your hand and feet to and then spin all over the place, lots of moving parts, lots of really attractive people, etc. There was one samba school that had a float that was banned because it was just a pile of naked dead bodies with a guy playing Hitler on top, so instead they covered it in a white sheet and had people with gags and a Jesus on top, and a banner that said, "you can't build a future when you bury the past." I'm all for free speech, but I do think the holocaust one was just a little out of line. It's supposed to be this big happy party - there is a time and place for everything, and that wasn't it. That school was weird, though, in general.

Actually being in the parade was absolutely incredible. We got to go back stage to where all the people were hanging out in their costumes and stuff (the guide didn't let us take our cameras, though, and i will never forgive him for that), and then we found the people with our same costumes, lined up, and went out (that whole thing was about 2hrs). It was funny because the guide had todl us that they don't allow foreigners in the school we were in, so we were talking to eachtoher really quietly so that no one would hear our accents, but then we got there and walked into a group of huge German guys who informed us that almost all the people were foreign, haha. Actually, one Brazilian lady got really mad at us for walking up close to the front because Brazilians get the front spots. We weren't even trying to get in the front - we were just walking around, but she freaked out and was cursing us to her friend. I was like, chill lady, it's Carnaval!

The actual parading was a blur. There were cameras and thousands of people watching/singing/dancing all over the place. Actually, one guy ran up and took a pic of my face - Imma be the next cover girl!!! Haha, not, but it was kinda cool. I hope it's a good picture, wherever it ends up. I was on the end, which was neat, because I could see all the people on the sides and I was more likely to get on TV (which I didn't - poo), but at the same time it was rather stressful because they have like these samba drill sargeant guys who run along the sides screaming at you to SMILE and LIFT YOUR ARMS and SING and GO FASTER and GO SLOWER, etc. Of course it ended too soon, but it was an incredible experience.

I don't know if I mentioned this (I started this a few days ago), but after getting back from the beach I went to my second host family. In that family I my parents were named Valter and Cássia, I had 2 brothers named Fabio (18) and Valter Júnior (16) and my host mom's grandma lived with us. That family was good before I went on the trip - I liked my host mom a lot, and they were very chill. However, they had recently suffered a a financial crises and were forced to sell the house while I was at Carnaval. The new house was tiny, and they were all really stressed over the move, Fabio's college stuff, etc, so I was not exactly welcomed home with open arms. I never became friends w/ my host brothers, really, and was sleeping on a matress in the grandma's room. I didn't care so much about that, really. It was just crappy because I could tell they didn't really want me there - my metaphor was that I was like a cat - they fed me, and were nice when they needed to say something, and they let me come and go as I pleased and just lay around all afternoon, but I wasn't really part of the family at all. I was really happy when I came home and was informed I was moving.

I moved back to the subdivision I have lived in this whole time, which is where I will stay, and into a very lovely house on the same street as my second had been. This family is by far the best. I am really happy that I finally ended up in the kind of place I was really wanting - everyone talks to me and hangs out w/ me, but I also have my own space when I want it, they seem genuinly interested in me and in making me a part of the family, my host mom is very up-front and conversant about everything, I can still go out and about when I want to, and they are just cool in general. My host parents' names are Valéria and Tarcizo, and I have 3 younger siblings - Pedro Felipe (15), João Gabriel (11), and María Laura (4). The kids have very typical Brazilian, names, by the way, if you were wondering what a typical Brazilian name is like. I like them all, and I can actually talk to them (host siblings are always the worst). María Laura (Mah) is adorable, and she calls me big sister, friend, or Milana; actually, she's staring to get my name down now, but she thinks it's weird, she informed me, haha.

I am really happy to be here. I am supposed to go back to my first house before the end, but I am hoping I don't have to. I have talked to my current parents about it, and they are fine with me starying the whole year, but I am a little nervous about having that conversation with my first host mom. I still have stuff at their house, and have been there a few times since they got back fom vacation and I got back from Carnaval. My fist host mom even threw a little surprise party for me on my b-day, which was sweet. It was just a little thing with all the exchange students and a few girls from school, but it was nice. I had a really good day on my b-day, actually. It was just a nice, chill, friends day. Annia, Tania, and Johanna made me this really awesome picture collage poster of us, which they gave to me at school (good thing or else I may have gotten overly-emotiona~l; for Valentine's Day we watched Love Actually and totally lost it at the end b/c the final scene is in an airport). Lauren came in from her city to hang out, I talked to my mom and Hyland on the phone for wayyyy too long after the party, and I just had a nice day in general. We went out the next day in celebration, as well.

Speaking of this, going home is becoming an increasingly sensitive and commonly talked about subject. A few weeks ago all of us were receiving/deciding our dates to come home, and that put a sudden damper on our moods. I think that I will be happy to go home, but it will be extremely difficult to say goodbye to them. I have made the best friends of my life here, and, eventhough I am sure we will see eachother again as much as we can, I know my life will feel very empty without being able to just call them up every afternoon. Oh geez, see Im emotional right now, even... I am really afraid of going home and feeling terribly lonely. I have a hard time seeing how I will find another group of people that I can connect to so well and just feel at home with. I guess that's why it's so hard - my friends have become my home. Brazil itself really isn't that great to be honest. This has been a great experience, but I don't think that I will ever want to live here.

In fact, this whole thing has, so far, had the opposite effect than I was expecting. Instead of falling in love with somewhere else, I have learned to love where I am from. To all you doubters, I would like you to know that, as far as I can tell, while there are lots of great places in the world to be, the US is definitely high on the list. We literally do have everything you can ask for, give or take a few things - diversity, opportunity, freedom, etc. When I watch the news there are always at least 2 stories about the US, oftentimes more, we talk about the US in history all the time, they watch our TV, they read our literature. I am definitely not into this whole globalization/Americanization thing, and I don't like that our media gives a distorted image, but at the same time the fact that they get that image makes me want to share myself more so that people can have a better understanding and appreciation of why we are the most powerful country in the world and of who we really are.

I have become much more of a patriot, I guess. That has not, though, robbed me in any way of my desire to travel and see more of the world. I just know now that wherever I am I will always carry a bit of home with me - more than I was expecting - even if that home is full of McDonalds and rotten politicians. It's made of a lot more that that.

So that's my 2 cents for the day... I will really try to start writing in this more often.

I will be going with group of 8 exchange students, the guide, and his daughter to Macchu Picchu on March 23rd, and I am SUUUUPER EXCITED about that. My mom and Hyland are trying to get down here for a visit in March too, but I am trying not to get overly-exited abou that until it's for sure.

So, until next time, I hope you all are just swell.

My return date was set at July 1st, but I might make it earlier so that I can go to college orientation, etc. Almost all of my friends will be leaving between June 17th and July 5th, anyway, so I would rather just get it overwith when it comes, I think.

Muito Amor

beijos e abraços pra tudo mundo

Alanna